With my eyes closed
I have held down
Each complaint I have had
So that my soul sings
A tune I know better
And as that tune bellows
I shall move my heart forward
So that I become
A better man.
I like the silence of closed eyes
In spite roaring flickering lights
And devilish heavy breathing
That’s slowly circling around my ankles
Encrusting scars that stretch towards
Silent darkness I dare not tread on.
No, my silence is juxtaposed with illusions:
Of dancing lovers who call themselves friends,
Of scowling friends who want nothing more
Then to make love all night to my soul.
My silence kisses me softly
When all around roars deafening
In giant gulps of thunder and lightening,
And my eyes they burn with midnight candles
And leave forever lines across my forgotten soul.
I do not enjoy this closed solution
These open arms like fire
A road well worn in a town well shorn
And a voice long gone raspy.
Do you try so hard
To make the wolves howl loud?
I’ve seen a tree grow straighter
Then your twisted mind
And I’m closing down
That’s holding onto me like fire.
I know that I didn’t lose my answers
When I stepped off late at night.
When I closed the door and shifted sheets.
When I spoke my prayer dance to the moon.
When I laughed heartily
Allowing my soul to saturate
Every breath you exude.
Because this is my intake
And answers don’t get lost here
Where answers don’t get forgotten.
When I awake in my mother’s freezing basement,
I don’t jump awake like a bloody early morning quack.
I wish to the good god that swept me to sleep
That she’d count all my stars one more time
And whisper sweet nothings into the back of my mind.
To be honest, the sweet nothings are always floating there.
They never leave and rightly so;
Space head filled with clouds.
No, the sweet nothings are what keep me stifled
And snuggled and re-counting my re-counting
Until the moment I absolutely must arise.
You know, that moment that passed a few re-counts ago.
Waking with the burden on my back
Crawling the narrow channels of my neck
Pain so deep it speaks off the walls
And drips into my uncomfortable cocoon
I’ve disturbedly rolled out flat
Fire engine red blares in and out
Of conscious moments of reality
This is a space between spaces
No quarter for heavy thoughts
Too where light falls upon closed eyes
That slips back into crimson shakes
The love notes I want to write to you
Escape me as I close my eyes
I swiftly let the dreams wash over
Carrying me to another place
But the distance doesn’t shrink then
The memory becomes harder to believe
The factory my soul was processed in
Left the angels feet cold and wet
Perhaps though, it will not end
Perhaps the notes will carry me forth
Stepping aside from the guerrilla pen
I crawl back into the omnipresent void
Do signs share with you your fate too?
The ways of sands don’t let me sleep
The cold I’ve felt and never breathed
Is my own soul, escaping me
The clouds that cover the outlets
Form mysteries about the faint, winter breaths
Whispering echos across the hallways and through closed doors
Crawling up to the open windows that mark the edges of sanity
Sleek metal surfaces cause symbolic reverberations
Nestling their way through the gates of that which is never closed
Gone are the ribbons that present the pretty box
Lost long ago with the mermaids that kicked and swam deeper