Messages of Life

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My vision has been blotched,
My insides have been influenced
By an algorythm I didn’t want..
But accepted,
Like inflating gas prices
At the pump,
Along a journey
I didn’t plan.

The algorythm told me
What I should have known
I had to do,
It showed me beautiful photos
That directly appealed to my soul
Because I had trained it to know
What my soul was drawn to
In such a sly way
That my soul is starting to think
It has been tricked into being this way.

How do you step away?
Physically, mentally,
Spiritually.
Healthily.
How does one begin to see dots
So that a woven thread
Can be drawn between them
A threaded vine, hops,
Nestled between two calm growth lines
Of muscle and soul,
Callus and depth.

It feels like turning off the light
Walking alone in darkness
Reminding myself I live here
And can visualize the corners
To avoid bumping into.

It feels like losing a friend
Not the excitement of starting a journey
But the reverse
No more serendipitous friends
Going out for coffee at the coolest spot in town
No more hitting the peak at sunrise
No more rich street foods from India
Or Wat visits in Thailand.

It feels like a Doctors visit
Where reality cannot be escaped
Truth must be told to those who seek to help
And I must admit to myself the most
Where I wake up each morning
And what I have ahead of me to do.

I’m not a movie
No Hollywood plot,
I’ve got cuts on my hands
That didn’t get publicized
My boots didn’t get worn so
By a team of set designers
I didn’t seek funding
I am funding, myself.

So, perhaps this is my starting,
My turning away slowly at the inside
Where I re-write my reasons
And my daily check-ins
Come with meaning and fortitude.
What meaning I do give
Needs to come with a warning
That these messages of life
Are forever important.

Sitting Still With Pain

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This sitting still is painful
I’ve lost the nerves and feeling
To do so anymore.
My urgency and anxiety
Makes an awful racket
At my closed bedroom door.

“Please wait.” I respond softly.

My body ever sore
And lacking desire to remain
Amidst stacks of laundry
And hairy dust balls.
Two fans blow at each other;
Is this a lazy wind?

Coffee cups with
Level lines equispaced
Down their insides
Invite me for another taste,
Which could be the cause
Of this shooting pain
Down my left side.

Or maybe the pain
Just comes from sitting here
Against my will
Struggling to sit
Struggling to lay
Struggling to get movement
My body so much enjoys.

As I move
Each itch of stiffness
Cries at me
Asks me if it’s ok
To be moving so.
I respond in silence,
How am I to know?

The Doctor hasn’t looked at me
Only repeats the same question.
The confusion on my face
Would tell him everything,
But a blindness from this summer sun
Must be my fever’s killer.

Winter’s Soul

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Your winter cold
Holds me in an escape
A reverie of distant
Guiding stars
So easily visible
About this cloudless
Waxing gibbous;
Cassiopeia now
Directly beneath Polaris.

A soft hand reaches
For the twines of mine chest,
Slowly breathing
To hold onto each
Breaking moment of day
And soft light
Emenates from the portal
That will soon be
Taking me away.

But this is the calm disguise
Of a growing winter day
As icicles clutch at
My deepening breath
Fusing the crisp daylight
With essences of my soul
A relaxing moment
Amidst my growing motivation
Toiling in my way
As soon, in all hope,
It shall all pass my way again.

Yesterday

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I thought I remembered you yesterday
Then I woke and you weren’t on my mind
In my fury I swallowed hard
Thinking of all the time I spent
Without your sweet smell beside myself
I wasn’t hungry like I told you so
But my trigger was a lofty chance
So I left you and your sideways glance
To find peace amongst the trees.

So and so it was again
So it came and so it went
So I heard your voice nevermore
So cold winter sprung away
So a warm wind blew my way
So I loved the place I stay
So I left you yesterday.

Two Five Three Six

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Letters from my ancestors
Have each spelled out ten names
Two to be used in case of emergency
Five for female spawn
Three for patriarchal ties
And six as shadows of mine own heart.

I love each one as any man can
I’ve researched each story true,
Chosen from my memory
I’ve drawn each one out, too.
I hold my head up high for them;
Each they’ve passed to me their secrets.
In my hands I see their scars
So, too, I see their years.

Through their streets I have sure walked
I’ve also gone for a ride
Sitting in the back seat
Of a stuffed full 1965 Studebaker
Heading out on summer vacation.
I’ve opened the door on Union Street
To taste homemade crabcakes and beans,
I’ve rode the long trail home
Passed Devick Lake out on the range.

So each of the names I keep at the helm
Awaiting imminent deployment,
Like roses saved in a jar
A timeless memorial stored as fondness,
An old lined sheet of blank paper
Found in the desk of y’or.

Secrets

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Tell me your secrets today.
It’s raining outside
Like my wishes have gone.
I don’t want sadness much more
So I can sleep in the night
Without dreaming in symbols
Of the dreams I still have.

Tell me your secrets tonight
When I’ve had my dessert
I’ll sit listening intently
Awaiting heat to emanate
Through bones in my skin
Wrinkles and sin
Two ice cubes and you.

No more secrets my dear
It’s a sadness I cannot bear.
Your voice is too soft
My thoughts too far.
My cello keeps drawing lines
Upon the back of my neck.
Will you write me a new song
So I can sing out the last?
My heart keeps trembling
And my eyes keep closing.

Coffee Grinds

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Please dont put so much
Water on my coffee grinds
It just ain’t right to be doing
Such nasty things to me
Please dont put so much
Water on my coffee grinds
What did I do to your story
To deserve this business from you
Please dont put so much
Water on my coffee grinds
This here ain’t the first time
I’ve wrastled with your jelly bean
Please dont put so much
Water on my coffee grinds
I can’t handle no more
Of your stealing time of mine
Please dont put so much
Water on my coffee grinds
I’ve got a long way
To be headin’ along today
Please dont put so much
Water on my coffee grinds
So I need your backdoor business
To leave it alone
Please dont put so much
Water on my coffee grinds
Or I wont be headed back again

Broken Veins

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What road did I drive down again?
Path of dusty broken veins
Weed choked by falling road dust
Dry season on two wheels
And a gooseneck straddling dotted lines
About a ribbon I’ve tied across my finger
To remember a mannequin I fell in love with.

Holy I went left!
I took my squirrels medium rare
And left my lover there
Amongst rocks as ocean’s edge
To watch whatever growing storm
Should scarcely hide away her tears.

In my pack I tried to hold
Every essential piece of gold
I locked it up, taped it down,
Bound it to my back with straps
That crossed my chest and held my gear
As wind swept across my beard
Reminding me though I may fly
I’m still so gnarled and twined
As river’s edge a weeping willow
Set about my fate.

It Hurt

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Today’s coffee reminds me of the day
I ripped a six inch long
one inch deep hole into
the back of my leg.
Thirteen years old,
maybe I was fourteen
at my best friends father’s shop
he worked a lot with cement
and had a big yard
with mounds of gravel
we’d go up and down and around
on our new single track bikes.
It hurt
it hurts
and memories are always there
to bring me away
and back
to where some memories hurt
but ripping the hole
didn’t really hurt
flesh wounds are like that.